Do You Want To Know Yourself?

In his famous book The Imitation of Christ, Thomas à Kempis writes, "We seldom overcome even one fault perfectly."

But we might wonder, “But what if I tried really, really hard?”

Benjamin Franklin once made this effort. Writing in his Autobiography, Franklin tells us, "I conceived the bold and arduous project of arriving at moral perfection. I wished to live without committing any fault at any time, and to conquer all that either natural inclination, custom, or company might lead me into."

Like any good American, he went about his project in a pragmatic manner. He wrote out the thirteen virtues he wished to master and defined each of them. His plan was to "give a week's strict attention to each of the virtues successively" and then mark "every evening the faults of the day."

Sadly, he eventually gave up on the project. He explains that he had too much business, and such frequent travel, that he could not maintain his commitment to the virtuous life in this way.

He finally admits, "In truth, I found myself incorrigible with respect to Order; and now I am grown old, and my memory bad, I feel very sensibly the want of it." Of course, historians know that one of the virtues on his list — chastity — was often of little concern. He even wrote a letter headlined, “Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress.” It’s possible he had as many as fifteen illegitimate children. Candidly, Franklin’s personal life was a disgrace.

Still, even a saint like Thomas à Kempis admits the gap. He acknowledges, “If we would root out one fault every year, we would soon become mature. But as it is now, we often notice, on the contrary, that we were better and purer at the beginning of our conversion than after many years of our profession.”

We may earnestly desire sainthood, but the truth? A more honest confession is, “God, have mercy on me, a sinner.”

So how do you handle that reality?

For me, distraction is a common response. Rather than soberly considering my sins, and how I might turn away from them, I busy myself in the activities of life. Benjamin Franklin admitted to the same temptation. What’s your preference? Rigorous self-examination or social media?

Another widespread strategy is self-deception. Gregg Ten Elshof explains that our culture prizes authenticity. Therefore, “to the degree that we value authenticity, we will be averse to the suggestion that we are self-deceived. Believing myself to be authentic - to be true to myself and to others - will be a source of significant satisfaction and felt well-being for me. But, as it turns out, being genuinely honest with oneself is often hard work” (I Told Me So: Self-Deception and the Christian Life). Rather than acknowledge our faults, we trick ourselves into believing that we don’t have any! It’s much easier that way.

And how about accepting defeat? It’s a simple calculation. “I can’t do it, so why try?” Plus, there’s the benefit of doing what I want, when I want, as long as I can get away with it. A youthful idealism might wistfully think that everyone wants to be a good person, but that’s empirically (and experientially) false.

As the classic quote from Colonel Nathan Jessup goes, “You can’t handle the truth!” The irony, of course, is that in the movie A Few Good Men, Jessup is the one who can’t handle the truth. He’s the officer who ordered a ‘Code Red’ that led to the death of a Marine under his care, and then attempted to cover it up.

None of us can handle the truth.

Can you join me in a moment of honesty today?

“God, I don’t want to know the truth about my sin. I’m scared of what I might come to realize. I’m unsure I could bear the weight of my guilt and shame. The cost of making things right would be too high. God, please help me to come to terms with who I am, and what I’ve done, that I might experience your grace.”

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Photo by horacio olavarria on Unsplash